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5th September 2007

Communications Let Me Down

Your ability to communicate well with your children is the most important skill you can develop to a healthy parent child relationship. Many problems faced by parents in their daily contacts with their children seem to have their causes in the respective areas of the problems themselves. However, if we were to take a step back and have a good look, they all have their links back to the same source. The lack of, or inability to communicate effectively can be nailed as the main culprit.

Effective Communication to a healthy relationship is as water to a tree. Without it, relationships are dry, will suffer or even die. This applies to any relationship, not just between a parent and his / her child nor just between a husband and his wife.

With proper communications, many difficult relationship problems can be overcome.

The key to using effective communications in solving a relationship problem is to have a systematic approach.

Identify the Problem.

Right from the start; you should ask the question, "What exactly is the problem?" Be clear about the issues at hand. Knowing exactly where and what the problem is about is already half the battle won. You will not be able to hit it if you do not know what you it is you are supposed to hit.

As a Chinese saying goes, If you truly “know yourself, know your enemies, you will be able to win a hundred battles out of a hundred”.

By the way, do remember that your child is having a problem. Please understand that he is NOT the problem.

Keep the goal in sight, not the past hurts

Know your goal and hold on to the vision of it.

In my earlier post on 15th August entitled “Tearing Down The Wall – The great expectations”, I closed by inviting you to ponder about your expectations of your child and of yourself.

Let your goal be within reasonable expectation and focus on it. Ask the question, “What do we do to achieve the objective?” “Where do we go from where we are right now?” “What are the options that we have?” By asking these questions, you are focusing on the desirable possibilities in solving the problem and in improving the relationship. In the beginning, it may feel rather difficult or unnatural in this part of the exercise but as you put in the initial push, things will get easier as you start to see more and more possibilities rather than negativities.

Avoid the trap of focusing on what your child should have done or how he should have behaved. Again, keep the goal in sight, not the past hurts.

Parents, being the ones who should be in control, need to do this exercise before the actual discussion with the child about the problem. If we as parents do not know where we should be heading, how are we to lead the child? That is why I mentioned in “Tearing Down The Wall”, that we need to spent some quiet moments away from our kids and work to ponder on this.

If you are a Christian like me, spend some quiet time to pray and seek God’s wisdom in managing your expectations and the situation.

Focus On The Solution

The problem may be weighing heavy at the back of your mind when you discuss it with your child but I urge you not to steer to the wrong side of the road.

Keep your mind on the solutions, talk about the solutions and not the problem.

It is fine to start by bringing to attention the problem as the topic of discussion, but once that has been established, the goals, the desired results should also be made known. The rest of the time should be spent on finding out and agreeing on the solution, on how to get there.

Remember that you need to be the one in control, the one who steer the ship on course. You need to keep the attention on finding an agreement on how best to work towards the goal.

By focusing on looking for the solutions, the atmosphere of the discussion will also change to be less tense and become more positive. If the time is used for positive discussions like this, you will be surprised how much it helps in building stronger bonding between parent and child.

Summary & Action

First, take stock of the problem. Have a clear understanding about it. While doing so, remember to think about the desirable outcome that you would like to see. Dwell on the desirable outcome and not the issue.

Second, keep the conversation on the solutions and the ways to action on them. Let the discussion in finding the solutions brings you both to a positive position where you can work together and allow this time to be a time of bonding for you and your child.

Do not wait until there is a big problem before learning to apply the above. Develop a good communication habit through solving small problems together while you are both enjoying a strong relationship.

God Bless !!

~~Ricky L.~~






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3rd September 2007
7th September 2007