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27th August 2007

Three Steps To A Happier Relationship With Your Teenage Child

I had mentioned in my previous post that I would like to share on three easy steps you can apply immediately to help and start bringing you and your teenage child closer together. In fact, in Gloria’s post on 20th August, she had touched on some of the points I will again mention here.

I will note here in an overview of the three “T”s.

Time: Spend time with your child each day. Spend time in each other’s company doing things together or simply being in each other’s company. Watch a TV program together or go for a walk together. It does not have to be a big slot of time, but simply a time spent just for him or her and nobody else.

Start investing in just a half hour each day doing this and you will start to see improvement. You will be surprise of the positive change in your child’s behavior just by applying this in your daily schedule.

One main point to take note about spending time together is that it must be in a “be there for each other” kind of atmosphere. While some parents do spend time each day with their children, the time was wasted in a “be there to kill each other” mode.

We need to avoid that trap.

Combining spending of time together with the following steps will greatly increase the bonding between parent and child.

Talk: Talk to each other, but more specifically, let your child talk to you. If you want your child to listen to what you say, start by listening to what he says. One of the biggest causes of problem between a parent-teenage child relationship is the lack of these two ingredients, time and communication. The most frequent complaints from teenagers is that their parents do not understand them. I do not blame them for feeling this way. If we do not allow time for our children and to spend the effort and time to listen to them, how would they know if we care & understand them?

When all we do is tell them what we want and what we expect of them but never really giving them a chance to be understood, how do we expect them to feel good about being with us. Well, if they are not feeling good about being with us, how can we expect them to listen to and obey our guidance?

When they talk and we listen with undivided attention, we are allowing them to feel secure and that we care. NOW, when he starts to talk, do nothing but listen. Do not offer to correct him, not at this time anyway. Just listen and be quiet. You should acknowledge by nodding your head to show you are paying attention to him. Say a soft “ok” if appropriate, or a simple soft “thanks for telling me”. Try this out. It really works wonder for me. Give him your undivided attention.

Of course, the communication should not be a one-way traffic. Therefore, what should we tell our children?

As mentioned by Gloria, we also need to praise our children when they are doing well. This is one of the biggest motivations for him to continue to improve. Praise him generously, praise him SINCERELY and you will see him grow to be motivated and confident.

But what if in listening to him, it becomes obvious that something he is relating about is wrong? How should we bring it across to him?

As mentioned above, we should first let him finish what he is saying without interruption. Do not attempt to correct him at this point in time but just be a good listening ear. When he has finished sharing his view, you may start by asking him some questions to clarify what he had just said. Always adopt an attitude of being interested to understand more. Never be critical about his sharing. After you have asked and understand what he shared more clearly, you may suggest to him the proper way of dealing with the problem if you still see it as a problem. Offer the suggestions to him by asking questions like the following.

Would it help if we were to ….., what do you think ?

Although that sounds logical, somehow I feel something is not so right. Maybe I am just being silly but tell me, what do you think could be wrong ?

Maybe I am wrong, but what you had just told me reminds me of …., what do you think ? Should I be feeling the way I feel?

Notice that each of the above questions avoids labeling what he had shared to be wrong, or that you see and confirm a problem in it. Rather, the questions encourage him to consider the topic from another’s point of view. Not only will this help him to understand your point of view, it also approaches the topic in a less “threatening” way and so he is less likely to be defensive about it.

Touch: Appropriate physical contact is very important in a parent child relationship. A good hug each day can do wonders in healing hurts and strengthening the bond. A pat on the shoulder to encourage while saying “hang in there, you can do it! “, goes much further in lifting spirit than merely by saying it.

I love to put my son to bed and I had been doing that ever since he was a toddler. You may recall from my earlier sharing that I have a teenage son and you may wonder if I really am still doing that now. Well, the answer is yes. Believe me when I tell you, not only do I enjoy doing that, I am truly glad that I am still doing that.

I strongly believe that this habit, this practice, actually helps to pull us through some rough times in our relationship.

Each time I put him to bed, I will massage his feet. It is more like squeezing his feet just a few times while I say goodnight to him. This is the way that I express I love him and through the years, I can see that this has been like an invisible cord that link us together.

Please do not take this for granted.

Give you children at least a hug each day.

Give your children a kiss on the cheek or forehead when sending them off to school.

If you go into his room while he is studying, put your arms on his shoulder to show him that you appreciate his hard work, and then leave him to concentrate on his studies.

Play some light contact sports with your children. It helps to build that closeness in a family.

Remember the three “T”s. Time, Talk & Touch and apply it.

Someone once said :

“Blessed is the man who gives good advice but blessed a hundred, a thousand times more, is the man who takes that good advice and use it.”

I hope my sharing can bring you and your family the joy that you desire and much more.

God Bless

~Ricky~






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23rd August 2007
29th August 2007